When Helping Becomes Harmful
Caring for someone with an eating disorder or mental illness often involves deep love, sacrifice, and a desire to help. But sometimes, that help becomes compulsive, and instead of empowering your loved one, you can start to take over and leave them unable to cope
without you.
This is what people often call “co-dependency”. I prefer the term “compulsive helping”,
because in my experience, that’s what it felt like.
What Is Co-dependency?
Watch my short video below, where I share how compulsive helping affected my relationship with my daughter, and how I learned to step back to help everyone involved.
Co-dependency (or compulsive helping) is when your sense of purpose, identity, or
wellbeing becomes tied to caring for someone else, to the point where you lose sight of your own needs and boundaries.
When supporting a loved one with their mental health, it might look like:
- Taking over every decision for your loved one
- Feeling responsible for their recovery
- Neglecting your own needs because you feel guilty stepping back
- Believing that helping is your only role or worth
You may feel exhausted, burnt out, or invisible. Your passion to help may become too much, leading to a challenging relationship with your loved one. That desire to help becomes harmful; but it doesn’t have to stay this way.
My Experience as a Parent
I’ve lived this dynamic myself. With my eldest daughter, I stepped in constantly: making decisions, solving problems, and trying to protect her from pain. I thought I was helping, but actually I was taking away her power to choose, learn, and grow.
When I began to let go (which felt very difficult and unnatural), trust her, and set healthier boundaries, something shifted. That’s when the real recovery started! Not just for her, but for our relationship too.
If you are here and resonate with my experience, I want you to know you don’t have to keep doing this alone, and you don’t have to give everything to be a good carer.
The Role of Active Listening
One of the most powerful tools I teach is active listening.
It helps carers to:
- Pause the urge to fix or rescue
- Truly hear their loved one without judgment
- Create space for autonomy, rather than control
- Communicate with empathy and clarity
These skills are practical, learnable, and transformative, not just for eating disorder recovery, but for any strained family dynamic and useful in everyday life too.
Why This Matters
When you begin to understand relationship boundaries in caregiving, you protect both yourself and the person you’re supporting. In recovery, it’s important for individuals to make mistakes and resolve them so they can learn to navigate challenges without eating disorder behaviours.
By learning to step away from co-dependent relationships and implement active listening skills, you are able to show your loved one compassion and respect, without losing yourself in the process.
Professional Training
If you are looking to bring more awareness to your team or organisation regarding co-dependency, I offer talks to develop skills and understanding of how to support carers in navigating this dynamic.
What Others Say
“What I learned from the session about co-dependent relationships will be helpful when talking to callers who exhibit co-dependent behaviours, something I have never really thought about before. I also found the session helpful from a personal point of view – making me think seriously about the approach I adopt to my own children particularly as they have grown older. I sensed that many others in the audience felt the same.“
“I found this session really powerful and thought-provoking. Veronica’s willingness to be vulnerable and non-defensive was genuinely inspiring. I learned a great deal about a concept that I did not know much about.“
“I found it really helpful to understand the term co-dependency. Actually, helped a lot to have a ‘real-life ‘ example. I thought Veronica was very brave sharing her story. Overall thank you to Veronica (and I admire her openness).”
“Thank you! You are amazing and that was so insightful!“
